About…Me (?)
Round #3 of Marisa vs. the dating profiles.
Imagine you pull a book off the bookstore shelf, trying to decide whether or not you want to read it. You glance at the cover and it’s an inexplicable and poorly taken picture that has nothing to do with the novel itself. You look at the description on the back and it goes into a long rant about how awful other readers are. Or there’s a completely blank space where the summary should be. Or what if you were looking on Amazon, and the spot for the description of the book was just a couple of emojis? You’d be way less likely to pick it up and start reading it.
Why don’t men understand this concept? (To be fair, I haven’t seen women’s dating profiles, so maybe most of them don’t get the concept either; I have no idea). I get that it’s hard to write about yourself. It can feel awkward. It requires time, and introspection...and a basic understanding of what the purpose of the “About Me” section of a dating profile is.
Despite that, I want someone who will put forth effort. I want someone who understands how to adjust their behavior appropriately for different circumstances and audiences. I want someone who has the barest shred of self-understanding and empathy.
Instead, I find the following. To amuse myself, I’ve taken the liberty of mocking up the covers for some of these men’s books, as if they were publishing a book instead of posting a profile.
DISCLAIMER: As always, all mistakes are theirs (except, this time, on the book covers—those mistakes are deliberate on my part).
"Im just looking for a woman that will at least give me a reach around when/if she fucks later in life😐....If fried chicken, tacos, pizza or hot wings and beer does not appeal to you swipe left"
- I WANT TO CLEAN MY EYEBALLS AFTER READING THAT
We’re just going to breeze right past that one, cause holy shitake mushrooms, that’s concerning.
But not before we imagine what his profile would look like if it was a book cover:
"
I will never shut up about...
Women who lie or who can't admit what they want..."
"
The world would be a better place with more...
Without your lies and fakeness......"
- HE SOUNDS FUN TO TALK TO
His “About Me” section states, “At our age I’m done putting forth all the effort...I’d love to find someone to share this wild life with but I’m not stressing or going out of my way anymore. Wanna get to know me? Lemme know I won’t waste your time if you don’t waste mine.”
I agree with one thing here: neither individual in a romantic situation should be putting forth all the effort. But he seems to have taken this to the other extreme and is making it clear he won’t put forth any effort (“I’m not...going out of my way anymore”). So, like, really, does anyone swipe right on this dude?
"
Swipe right if...
I love that your educated beautiful however can you chat with a productive human male"
- SELF-PROCLAIMED HUMAN MALE
Okay, the writer in me can’t stand it anymore:
I love that youryou're educated and beautiful; however, can you chat with a productive human male?
.
^(Enter something real and informative about yourself.)
Phew, glad I got that out of my system.
"I often take horrible pictures, selfies, but I am better in person. For some reason when I take a picture, the camera shutter closes either too early or too late. I😁🤓
- TIME YOUR PICTURES BETTER?
I know people who always seem to be blinking in photos that others take of them. There has to be something about their timing, or rate of blinkage, or the level of open they keep their eyes. That’s gotta be frustrating. But when you’re taking a selfie, you have complete control. That’s different. And in either case, it’s 100% NOT the camera shutter’s fault. It’s not a good sign if you can’t even take the responsibility to try to take a couple better pictures for your profile.
"___"
- BLANK PROFILE
This dude liked me on an app, but all the info it has is his name, age, height, and location (another state). His profile picture is of bottle caps...?
What does he expect to happen here?
"If your resilient,sweet,adventurous,goofy,compassionate,and laidbk pretty lady with a dump truck🍑🥵 let's be friends and see where it goes
- FEELS LIKE HE'S SHOPPING IN A CATALOGUE: "Yes, I'd like the Dumptruck Ass model..."
But also, I want this meme to use an Oxford comma and have a period at the end.
In other words, “I just want to use you for sex.” Also, “I don’t know how to punctuate or use your/you’re properly.” And why was “laidback” too much to spell all the way out? He only skipped two letters, on a word that is not normally abbreviated.
"About me:
New York native
Seinfeld
Surfing
Skating
Building things
Always have a beard or mustache
We'll get along if...
You Love Seinfeld
I quote too much from...
Seinfeld
- I'M DETECTING A THEME HERE
The first part was okay (not good, but not terrible), as far as profiles go. But then all the prompts came back to Seinfeld... Can loving a TV show be a core personality trait? Was he in Seinfeld, or is he selling it or something?
No soup for you.
"I understand I am the Peace, Tranquility, and Protection that You're looking for... I have experienced the good and bad of life but I survived and advanced... I live as a Gentleman and My environment is Euphoric... I am a Protector, a Provider, and Yes, I am a Pleaser... Let's converse...
- YOU KEEP USING THAT WORD. I DO NOT THINK IT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS
Questions:
What is a “Euphoric” environment? Are you sure you know what that word means?
How do you know you’re those things that I’m looking for? And why did you phrase it like we’re in the middle of a conversation? This is a profile.
Why all the randomly capitalized words?
"I'm not your:
-fictional character
-personal comedian
-sugar daddy
-plug
-sex God (tho I do love to eat 😻🥵)
-saint
-soul mate
-bitch
-concierge
-knight in shining armor
-etc
I'm just a dude trying his best despite my late start.
- I ALMOST EMPATHIZE WITH THIS ONE, BUT ALSO... NO
On the one hand, I too have an angry list of the crap roles I’ve played in relationships without reciprocation. On the other hand, I wouldn’t list that in my profile or angrily list those things to someone I just met. Also, I’m curious now: how many women have asked him to be their plug or bitch on a dating app? Also-also, is it strange to anyone else that he’s insisting he’s not a sex god (I mean, oh, thank goodness; I was afraid I was going to accidentally date a sex god) or your soulmate? Is he trying to manage expectations with this profile? Or is he just (more than) slightly oblivious?
"😃🤣😇"
- THE ONLY THING HE WROTE
His only picture.
Y’all. Stop. Just stop it.
You clearly did not understand the assignment.
