Talk Decent To Me
When I was a little girl, my grandmother would come to visit from California and she would tell me how pretty I was. Then she would smile and ask if I had a boyfriend yet. I think she was mostly kidding. But it was hard for me to tell at that age. She would tell me I’d have a boys lining up for me when I was older. Later, she told me stories about all the men who asked her out in college, how she had a date for every night of the week. That she went to college for only one year because she was there to get her MRS. That was the society she grew up in.
We have come a long way. But what I think many people fail to see is that the underpinnings of that life, those expectations, still permeate our world today.
Women are told from birth in a million little ways that their number one goal in life is to fall in love and marry. Think about every Disney princess before the last ten years. Her story started somewhere rough, and the entire point of the movie was for her to hook up with the prince at the end. It fixed everything: her low self-worth, her problems with her mother-figure, her yearning for something more in life than what she had. They got married and that’s where her story ended.
Men are given a different message. Yes, there’s pressure for them to “settle down” at some point, but they’re raised to have careers (which is a very new concept for women, one which while on some fronts is applauded, on other fronts is still criticized) and a point to their lives outside of marriage. There’s no question about whether or not men can be married, have kids, and have a career at the same time. Yet there’s a giant debate for women about whether or not they can or should “have it all.”
Now, a part of that is because women are doing so freaking much more than men around the house (see this article based on a Gallup poll), taking care of the mental load and invisible later (as described in this NPR article and in this fantastic comic) that it is actually virtually impossible to also parent and work full-time and be a human being. But if a woman wants a career, nine times out of ten she has to take it all on. Side note, men also tend to have a much higher estimation of how much they do around the house and in child-rearing vs. their female significant others, as described in articles like this article from the Pew Research Center. Part of this is because, “the chores (men) do happen weekly or less often, and the ones women do happen daily or several times a day,” as Claire Cain Miller points out in this New York Times article.
It’s assumed that men will “have it all.” It’s still a question mark, a decision, a debate for women, and one that is debated by the men and women around them. Women are judged, commented on, have articles spewed at them about their decision to work or stay home with the kids. Yes, it’s often from other women. Yes, that’s still stemming from the patriarchy. The bones of our way of life are still set in times past. It shows up in the most subtle and nefarious of ways.
For example, if a parent is going to stay at home with their young kids, it’s most likely going to be the mother (see this Pew Research Center study). The decision of who stays home usually has to do with either who has more patience and desire to raise the kids full time (and since women are raised to be caretakers and be more emotionally intelligent, to be mothers, this is usually them) or which partner makes less money (again, this is usually women). Claire Cain Miller also notes that another reason men tend to be the ones who work is that, “Masculinity is strongly tied to earning an income (and to avoiding things that are considered feminine).”
And then, when women have finished raising their kids and want to get back into the workforce, they are faced with extra challenges because they have not been building up experience or climbing the ladder the entire time, so they continue to make less. We took a giant step backwards during COVID, when kids were unable to go to school. Women overwhelmingly disappeared from the workforce, and were less likely to have returned as of last year. This 2022 US Chamber of Commerce article describes how women were in jobs that were more susceptible to layoffs, tended to be essential workers that made them more susceptible to burnout, and were more likely to stay home with the kids when they lost childcare. (Choice of career based on gender norms is another one of those subtle features of the patriarchy that affects pay gaps, value of different professions, and more).
But I digress. I was raised with very real expectation that I would marry and be happy.
Dina Goldstein is a Canadian photographer who did a project called Fallen Princesses.
I got married. Womp, womp. I got divorced many years later.
And now, thanks to dating apps, I do have men lining up to ask me out. I could very conceivably have a date for every night of the week (except OH MY GOD, WHO WOULD WANT THAT?!!!). It sounded so lovely back then. Now, even though the attention can be flattering, and it gives me hope that I’ll find someone, it’s also depressing as hell and sometimes horrifying.
Even my super-conservative grandmother, who went to a Christian college where they had chaperones on their dates, had stories about men being awful (mostly the older, married ones in her experience; the ones she wasn’t on dates with but was around for work or church reasons).
On most dating apps, men can message you without you having “liked” them first. This has proven so problematic, there is an entire app whose premise is that men can’t message until the woman likes them. AND IT’S VERY POPULAR.
Really, that could be my entire post. But why not share some of the delightful messages I’ve gotten from the men that my grandmother assured me would line up to date me?
"
Sexy lady"
- NOW GANGNAM STYLE IS STUCK IN MY HEAD
What do I even say back to this? This is not a conversation opener. This is a comment about what’s on your mind when you look at my profile...and it’s not, “Hey, I want to get to know this human being on a deeper level.” It’s all about sex too fast, and it’s objectifying.
I do wonder sometimes, am I just weird? Do other women find this to be a pleasing compliment as an opening line? And if so, what do they say next? Please, if you do like this, I’m curious and would like to know.
"Hey Marissa.
Your profile caught my eye.
I live in [TOWN] too
I'm really into fitness. I'm a waiter,.. I'm not rich. But I'm a helluva specime, I enjoy my life and have a lot of fun.
I would love to hear from ya."
- A HELLUVA "SPECIMINE"
Solid start—he can't spell my name when it's right in front of him. I’m pretty used to that—I see it as a prime example of how people see what they expect to see—but still.
I truly don’t care how much money he has, but I do care that that’s so important to him that he felt the need to say it in his intro message to me. It comes across as a big ol’ chip on his shoulder. And it speaks to a different value set than I have. If he talked about it, it matters to him.
I also avoid guys who talk themselves up like that—”I’m a helluva specime,” regardless of spelling mistakes. This speaks to an insecurity that is dangerous, either emotionally or otherwise. If you feel the need to say that about yourself, you deep down don’t feel that way or are trying to prove something.
"Geeky, fit guy over. Not sure if your be open to a polyamorous relationship. You are very attractive 😍"
- POLYAMOROUS MAN #671
Hey, at least he read my profile. After this, the hundredth message from a poly guy, though, I updated my profile to show more clearly that I’m only interested in monogamy. I don’t care if other people choose non-monogamy. But I’ve thought more about this than I ever expected. I really need monogamy.
Also, as I’ve stated before, if he comments on my appearance in the first message, it’s an automatic “No.”
"Horse head"
- THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME LAUGH
I recently rejoined Bumble, which is the app where women must start the conversation. The first guy I messaged didn’t have anything in his profile that I could think of a good opener for. So I decided to use one of my favorite Would You Rather? prompts from back when I was training virtual fitness classes.
I wrote, “Hey, (NAME), how’s it going? Important question for you: Would you rather be a reverse centaur (have a horse’s head and human body) or a reverse merperson (have a fish’s head and human body)?
He wrote back, “Horse head.”
Right, then. Expansive. Trying to give him a chance to continue the conversation, I said, “Solid choice...what’s your reasoning?”
He didn’t respond.
But I am laughing so hard at the fact that out there in the world, there exists someone whose only words to me ever were the phrase “horse head.”
"Psss, hey mom... just give me word ... I'll handle your light work😏"
- HUH?
I really don’t know at all what that means...but it sounds sexual?
"My name is [REDACTED] and you look wonderful .I haven't written much in my profile but you can ask me anything you want,you will give me great pleasure if you responds to my message I promise you I am Big suprise😁"
- GEE, I WONDER WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
And in his profile, he states, “I don’t want to write things about me in public. You can ask me and learn about me whatever you want, I’m an open book.”
Okay, I can respect not wanting to post about yourself online, although if that’s actually the case, why are you on a dating app? It still reads as either:
A. He doesn’t feel like writing a profile, because, you know, that’s work, or
B. He’s hiding something weird.
But setting that aside, the “Big surprise” comment may have been intended to be enticing, but instead it creeps me the hell out.
And for the grand finale, here is a message I got through this blog:
"Hi Marisa. I am not even close good in writing as you are but let me introduce myself...I came across your profile on [Dating Website]. I think you are very pretty woman and I would like to know you better, maybe even meet one day. We have three things in common. Kids, we love sport and we are 38 hehe. I left you friend request on Facebook in case you want to check me out. Pictures are that good, mostly its my children. :) Have a great day!"
- CYBER STALKER #24
I wish I could say this was the first guy who saw me on a dating website, stalked me online without us having ever spoken/texted, and messaged me through my blog (one happened long before I ever wrote about dating, so it wasn’t even topic-appropriate). He is also not the first one to then also look me up on social media and try to connect there, instead of just connecting through the dating app like a well-adjusted person with normal boundaries. Honestly, I took a break from posting on my blog for a bit partly because of this guy. It creeps me out so much. Bear in mind that dating apps only show your first name and the town you live in. I haven’t shared where I’m from on this blog. So he had to spend some time to find me. I feel unsafe and a bit violated when this happens. Yes, I know everything is online. But I should be able to write a blog.
P.S., I have cameras, motion-activated lights, a pitbull who HATES strangers on her property, a shit ton of super strong friends, and pepper spray. If you’re the next cyber stalker, don’t look me up.