Open Books You Might Want To Close
Books you should open.
Hello and welcome! It’s time for another episode of Why the &$#@! Would he Write That in His Profile?!!!
There are some good, informative, non-creepy dating profiles out there. There are even more uninformative but otherwise fine profiles out there. But below are some of the many downright concerning profiles I’ve come across on dating apps. They get weirder as you go. If one of these was the description on the back of a book, I would quickly shove that sucker to the back of the shelf without opening it. In the dating world, I quickly swipe left.
DISCLAIMER: As before, all mistakes (spelling, grammatical, and life-related) belong to the men.
"My mantra is: Welcome to hell who gives a shit."
- HAPPY DUDE #1
That’s the spirit.
"If you made it this far just go ahead and match with me 😎"
- LITERALLY THE ONLY THING HE WROTE ABOUT HIMSELF
As in, if I swiped left on so many of the dregs of humanity that I got to you, then I should match with you? Or if I survived life this far I should match with you? If I managed to read that entire sentence, I should match with you? I’m confused.
"Well here we go again
Just ask if you want to know"
- BEST READ IN AN EEYORE VOICE
Oh my dude, I feel you on that first line. Now more than ever.
"You know what you want...let's make it happen
Plans at home, I like to have everything tidy and clean, I cook sometimes and I demand loyalty and respect."
- SELF-ENTITLED ASSHOLE #4,561,903
Umm...I have questions. I know what I want. But you don’t...And I have no idea what you think I want. And what does “plans at home” mean?
But hey, he’s a real catch—after all, he cooks sometimes! *
Nevertheless, when we get around to DEMANDING shit like that in a profile, I run fast the other direction. I am extremely loyal and treat everyone with respect, but I will never vow to OBEY, which is very much in the undertones of that profile.
*Once a month; less often if he has a girlfriend.
Side Note: That’s still wayyyyy more often than my ex-husband cooked. Also, yes, I made up that footnote.
"The one thing you should know about me is...I'm a chronically depressed recovering alcoholic with deep seated emotional issues 😂"
- AT LEAST HE'S HONEST?
He goes on in another prompt:
When I need advice, I go to...Used to be my mom, but since she passed it’s either my sister or my friend Bill.
This one sounds like I’d end up being his therapist. One of many types of emotional labor that women tend to carry for men. I don’t judge someone for struggling with depression or having a past (I certainly know what that’s like), but I DO avoid people who haven’t addressed those issues. And if he’s posting about this in his profile, he hasn’t addressed those issues.
Also, the laughing emoji does not lighten that kind of overshare.
" If we matched I want to take you out, not chat for days/weeks.
Guns, beer, freedom
My 15 year old daughter is too cool for me.
Is it too much to ask for a girl that likes golf, guns, fishing, travel, hard rock and country, cars and trucks, the beach, cruises, gambling, cooking, family, skiing, day drinking, and the lake?
Must love dogs and the country lifestyle. (no cats unless they act like dogs)"
- COUNTRY DUDE
Is it too much to ask that a woman (I hope you’re not dating girls, but never has that wording been more alarmingly put into relief than when preceded by the sentence about your 15 year-old daughter) shares a lot of the same interests as you? No. But his resentment shines through in that sentence. Also, I couldn’t help but giggle at how LONG the list is of things he wants her to like, considering how he started the sentence.
The cat thing is weird to me, and comes across as unnecessarily demanding. I would have stopped reading at “Guns, beer, freedom” if I weren’t writing this blog, because that right there tells me our core values are very different. But what really got me was the first line of his profile.
An interesting number of guys are aggressively against texting before meeting. I take that to mean that they are not great at texting, and/or want to check the vibe quickly. The number one complaint I’ve heard guys make about online dating is that women don’t match their pictures, either because of filters or because they post outdated pictures. That sounds really frustrating. I can respect that, but I cannot respect the way they express their wishes about not texting, as if it should be obvious to the world that their way is the only way.
I myself have gone back and forth on how much texting is ideal before meeting someone. There’s no question that meeting a person and seeing them eye-to-eye tells you way more about them way faster than texting. But as a single mom, I don’t have time to go out on a date with every guy I match with—I barely have time to myself. Texting for at least a few days first gives me an idea of whether or not a guy is worth the money I’m going to spend on a babysitter or worth one of my few free nights.
I also avoid anyone with anything approaching aggressive language in their profiles. That doesn’t have to mean violent language. It means they show they very firmly and adamantly refuse to see other people’s points of view, or that they are so angry about something, they can’t even hold it in long enough to make a good impression while writing their profile. This is the other reason I won’t go on a date with a guy I haven’t texted any with. As a woman, I have to get a baseline feel for a guy before I meet him in person. My safety depends on it.
"All different ain't the same different
It's a difference I'm different
If you looking for any of the following hmu:
[see picture for sales pitch]
P.S. Y'ALL NEED TO STOP PUTTING UP THEM OLD PIX CATFISHING MFS.
KNOWING DAMN WELL YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT NO MORE."
- CHECK OUT THE SCREENSHOT
There’s so much here to unpack. The first part is...huh? Sounds like he’s trying to be deep, maybe? Or it’s a song?
Then he’s in full-on sales mode, which is obviously the way to find love. And the gumption he has to sell weed on a dating app? Unparalleled.
And then there’s the last bit in all caps...Like I said, unrealistic pictures seems to be one of the most common issues men have to deal with when online dating (if I’m going by how many of their own profiles mention it). I don’t completely understand it, considering these women must know that as soon as they meet a man in person, the gig is up. (I understand it a little bit because women’s looks seem to be the most important quality to many men, and it is ingrained in our society that our value is tied up with how we look. So I can kind of guess where the deceptive picture choices are coming from).
But again, regardless of women’s choices with their own profiles, we come back to the man’s anger, the insults, the inappropriateness of putting that in your profile. And of course the cherry on top is that he shout-typed it.
"Say hello to awesome. Cause here I am. In my own mind. I tend to spot flaws in a lot of shit. Even myself. Got I guess a negative outlook on most everything. I've been wronged a lot in life so I try to always have my guard up. I'm tired just ready to find someone I can relax with."
- OH SHIT
This fine fellow also very helpfully filled out the following prompts, in case you were still wavering on which way to swipe:
My personality type is...Anti social. Rude sarcastic
I’m secretly good at...Every thing I do
The best thing I can cook is...Anything
The 3 words that best describe me are...Mazda, Rx7, Rotary
My idea of a perfect day is...Quiet
DANGER, Will Robinson, DANGER!!! This dude is an alarming mix of so unrealistically full of himself as to sound delusional, and hard on himself in a way that isn’t appropriate for this medium. He’s not emotionally available (“I try to always have my guard up”) and sounds very angry (“I’ve been wronged a lot in life”) and mean (he seems oddly proud of being rude and anti-social). I can also conclude that it would be very easy to trigger him into feeling wronged or angry (a dangerous state for this kind of man), because he comes across as someone who has not healed his past scars and is therefore very emotionally unstable. This is a truly terrifying profile.
TRIGGER WARNING: Rape, Sexual Assault, Murder, Domestic Violence, Suicide
I find it baffling just how many men don’t seem to understand the basics of how to treat other people, carry on a conversation, or think from other people’s perspectives. It seems like a scary number never learned how to self-reflect, or handle their emotions.
There’s a reason I’ve had to come up with so many rules and measures to sort through profiles online. Some of it comes down to many men’s immaturity, lack of self-awareness, or supposed one-track minds. But also, it’s a safety thing.
I put myself in danger as a woman by meeting strangers from the internet.
Not every time. But you never know which time will be the time. Guys have to worry about whether their date has put on 10 pounds since their last picture. Women have to think about whether or not they will walk away unassaulted.
Please tell me how many dudes have to think about safety like women have to with every step. About 91% of victims of rape and sexual assault are women. And almost 99% of the attackers in sexual assaults are male.**
When I set up a first date, I have to:
Make sure it’s in a public place and well lit.
Text a friend to let them know where I’ll be and when to expect to hear from me next, along with the guy’s first name and a picture of him in case I disappear.
Bring a purse (I never carry one in normal life), so that I can tuck my pepper spray and safety alarm in it.
Make sure the guy doesn’t touch my drink.
Make sure I don’t drink too much; I need to keep my wits about me.
Drive myself; I never let him know where I live on the first date.
Think about where I park, so A. I know it’ll be well lit and not in a remote/deserted area when I go back to my car in case there’s an attacker around, and B. If my date walks me back to my car (which I also appreciate for safety) and he decides to do something crazy, he’ll be observed.
If you think about it, it is absolutely appalling that in 2023, women in America are treated this way. That half our population lives in a constant vigilance that has been normalized into our society as “good sense.” That our daughters have to be taught a whole set of safety measures and rules that men never have to consider. That WOMEN ARE NOT SAFE.
We are taught how to minimize our risk of getting hurt by a stranger, so that there is a litany of precautions naturally running through our minds (walk with your head high so you don’t look like a victim, swing your keys, put a key blade between your knuckles, pretend to talk on your phone if you’re alone, look all around you and stay aware, learn self-defense, carry some sort of alarm or mace, scream at the top of your lungs you’re attacked, get distance and run instead of trying to fight, never walk alone, check the back seat of your car before you get in, lock your car/house doors as soon as you’re inside, watch for people following you, never sit in the back row of an airplane).
But to add insult to literal injury, we are not taught how to avoid the men we love that hurt us. Multiple studies have shown that 80-85% of attackers are people that are known to the victim.*** Over 1/3 of women (and 1/4 of men) have been a victim of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner.+ From 1994 to 2010, 4 out of 5 victims of intimate partner violence were female.++
I know women who have walked away from dates with online matches with bruises. I know women who have been attacked by their male partners. A dear friend of mine was stalked, raped, and murdered by a man who couldn’t accept that she didn’t want to date him. I’m a survivor of domestic abuse. 81% of women in the U.S. have reported experiencing some type of sexual harassment or assault in their lifetime. 43% of men have reported the same.****
What it really all comes down to is that NOBODY IS TEACHING THE MEN TO STOP HURTING US. What. The. Fuck.
In my opinion, it comes back to toxic masculinity and a patriarchal society. Men are told not to hurt women, but no one is teaching them how. There’s deeply ingrained expectation that people who identify as male do not have feelings. That they will be mocked if they express emotions other than anger or happiness, and that it is weak to seek help. Men are not taught how to handle their big emotions other than by pushing them down or lashing out. Men are less likely to have close, supportive friends with whom they can discuss real issues in emotional safety. Men are not encouraged to go to therapy (an ex-boyfriend was so jubilant when one of his favorite podcasters talked about how men don’t go to therapy—”See?!”—as if this proved why he shouldn’t seek help for his own issues). The Mental Health Treatment Among Adults: United States, 2019 survey by the CDC shows that women are nearly twice as likely to seek any sort of mental health treatment as men. (Side note: This hurts men as well. There are a lot of statistics about how men are vastly more likely to be victims of suicide, for example. And while men are vastly more likely to commit violent crimes—79% of violent incidents are perpetrated by males+++—they are also more likely to be victims of violent crimes other than sexual assault or familial or domestic violence).++++ In addition, there still exists in our society an entrenched idea that men are better than women, that men need to be dominant, that men’s status is tied to both power over others and not being wrong/to blame (that’s another blog post). There’s an ingrained disdain for women (another blog post).
People say that men are just naturally more violent, going back to evolution and the days they had to hunt and protect. But here’s the thing. When you shove your emotions down, develop zero coping mechanisms, and try to do life, you explode on everyone. No mammoth hunting required. When you live in a world where little girls are taught they must control themselves and little boys are greeted with “boys will be boys,” it becomes very hard to separate what is hard-coded into gender and what is taught. Women are taught “not to give away the milk,” while men are glorified for only wanting one thing and getting it. But the idea that men can’t help themselves is acceptable.
(Obviously, this is a complicated and multi-faceted issue. And I know gender is much more complicated than men and women, but I don’t yet have the knowledge or experience to speak to other genders or situations related to this topic).
I still hope to find love. I know there are men out there that aren’t like this. But the more I date, and the more I think about things that I have always taken for granted as “the way things are,” the angrier I get.
I’ll jump off my soapbox now, and leave you with one more profound dating profile:
"Abcdefg hijklmnop qrstuv w x y z"
- LOOKING FOR A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP
SOURCES:
**U.S. Department of Justice. (2002). 2002 Violence Against Women Report.
***FBI Crime in the U.S. (2004). Also, California Dept. of Justice. (2005). Crime in California. And more.
****Kearl, H. (2018). The facts behind the #metoo movement: A national study on sexual harassment and assault.
+Black, M.C., et al. (2011). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2010 Summary Report. National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
++www.ncjrs.gov
+++Morgan, Rachel E. and Thompson, Alexandra. (2022). Criminal Victimization, 2020 - Supplemental Statistical Tables.
++++Sarre, Rick et al. (2021). Men Are More Likely To Commit Violent Crimes. Why Is This So And How Do We Change It?