As if She Were the Sun (You Should Leave a Comment if I Enjoy Tequila)
“He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking.”
“Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one’s life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one’s side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illustration flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps love unfolded naturally, out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.”
“Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”
Maybe I got spoiled by reading, but I still expect love to look like these quotes. Sound like these quotes. When Charles Dickens, an author I don’t even like, can write, “I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be,” how is it that half these dudes can’t write a single thing about themselves in a dating profile?
Instead, many guys can’t even express themselves clearly when given a simple prompt. Here are some of the great* responses to prompts I’ve seen over the past half year. If men are books, these may bite.
*This is sarcasm, which by the way is most dating-app guys’ second language, according to their profiles (they claim to be fluent).
DISCLAIMER: All errors in the quotes are the men’s.
My greatest strength:
Being toxic bf and ruin your life
- OH GOODY, THAT SOUNDS FUN
About me:
Never married
No kids
Normal
- SURE YOU ARE. ALSO, NORMAL PEOPLE MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE.
It’s pretty common to find men online boasting about “no kids, never married,” like it’s a good thing. To be fair, I used to think it was. But the older they are, the stranger that seems. At best, at least it’s information, but until you get context around it (why has this 45 year old never been married and why does he still say he wants kids?).
I'm weirdly attracted to:
Intelligent, kind, beautiful Earth women who find me amusing..
so bizarre.
- OKEY DOKEY
Is this a joke? Is it bizarre for women to find him amusing, or does he think it’s bizarre he’s attracted to intelligent, kind, beautiful women? Obviously I don’t fit the bill, since I am not amused; at least not in the way he probably wants.
I’ve noticed a lot of dudes list normal things to be attracted to as a response to this prompt. Not sure if they just didn’t even read the question or what.
You should leave a comment if:
I enjoy Tequila
- WHOOPS, READ THE PROMPT AGAIN, DUDE
The same man chose for one of his five profile pictures to be a picture of a shelf of liquor in a store, with the tequila all sold out. The prompt he chose for the picture was, “My weekends look like:”
Another prompt he chose was, “I’m weirdly attracted to:” and he wrote, “Visuals of any kind.”
...what are we talking about here?
I think I'm finally ready to:
To shuffle off this mortal coil
- I THINK I SHOULD BE CONCERNED
I'm looking for:
Pizza
- AREN'T WE ALL?
My most controversial opinion is:
A woman without a dog is more attractive to me. A woman with a dog is just more complicated.
- I CAN'T
Huh? If you don’t like dogs, you don’t like dogs, and while that’s wrong, everyone is allowed their opinion. What’s strange is equating the possession of a dog (or lack thereof) with a woman’s attractiveness. And also god forbid he date a complicated woman.
My personal hell is...:
My personal hell is...
- MINE IS MEN PUTTING IN AS LITTLE EFFORT AS POSSIBLE
This gent’s “About Me” section said, and I quote, “Blah blah blah blah blah.”
A pro and con of dating me:
You get a life coach
- K, THAT'S JUST A CON