Don't Touch That!
Sometimes while reading an emotionally heavy book, I have to double up with a light-hearted book so I don’t get too down, like a palate cleanser. Or sometimes, when the world gets too much, I am only interested in rereading a book I love, because I know what happens and that I can handle it and love it.
If men are books, then there are some that I just kind of pull a corner out to peek at the back, and then quickly shove back onto the shelf. And then surreptitiously wipe my hand off on my jeans and reread Pride and Prejudice. The biggest positive about online dating is that there is a plethora of people to choose from. The biggest negative about online dating is that there is a plethora of people to wade through. And yet, I truly believe there is more to the dating problem than simple numbers. Online or in person, there’s something more going on. Take a peek with me into more of the common issues I’ve run into with men.
Disclaimer 1: I don’t know the following men, and I don’t think they’re evil people. I don’t want to bash anyone, so I’m including quotes but not pictures of any of them. They represent many more men who write and do similar things.
Disclaimer 2: Any grammatical errors in the following quotes are theirs, not mine.
“I practice the truth before feeling. This tends to scare people. But don’t let it. I am growing daily and working to have a healthy lifestyle...I was told I confuse women.”
I think this guy has trouble presenting himself. There was a lot of good in his profile. But what does “I practice truth before feeling” even mean? I’m not sure, but it sounds like something that I would end up getting hurt by. And if it scares other people, maybe that’s something he wants to work on. “I was told I confuse women” is also a line I want to run the other way from. The rest sounded nice.
Sometimes I think I should just create a side business helping men with their profiles. I could do professional photos for them, help them word their profiles, etc. Kind of like Will Smith in Hitch. But then I think that would make it so much harder for women like me to weed the scary ones out. It would feel like a betrayal of my kind. And what if I helped more men hurt more women? So I go back to being grateful some men can’t seem to help but show their true selves on a dating platform.
“I’m a friendly guy looking for a woman who gives me lots of touch, make me banana bread while only wearing a frilly apron and who loves snuggles, being treated like a queen, and can exercise at a moderate level.
Must also tolerate large dragons, the fact that I’ll drag wood chip dust all over her clean floors, and that I occasionally forget to leave the toilet seat up.”
This man-child is one of the things I’m most afraid of being stuck with in a future relationship. Someone who expects me to be his mommy and do all the household, emotional, and mental labor in a relationship, while pampering him and adhering to societal expectations of women (been there, done that; hard pass). He only writes about what the woman should do for him (except where he’ll treat her “like a queen,” which could mean anything but is probably nothing good based on the rest of what he says). She’ll cook for him. The household domain is clearly hers because the clean floors are hers, while he clearly has no respect for her hard work nor any intention of helping—in fact, he plans to drag wood chips over the floors and not clean up after himself. To him, touch isn’t something to be shared, but something she is expected to give him, as well as sex (wearing only an apron to cook), as she is obviously there as an object for his desire.
I don’t know what the “large dragons” are about. In another context, I’d be intrigued.
I’ve found that while some men are outspoken about these sorts of expectations, most of them hold them to some degree, whether they realize it or not. Talk to a woman in a relationship with a man for half a second. Google “mental load.” Read an article about the amount of household labor each partner does in a heterosexual relationship. 99% of women have some version of this arrangement to some degree or another. It’s the way our society has been set up. Fuck that.
“I’m just here volunteering for an organization that buys single women dinner. Hopefully somone will change this.”
I get that it’s unfair financially for men to be expected to cover the bill on a date in our society. I always either pay myself or at least try to pay. I will never be offended if a dude doesn’t pay for me. But as almost-funny as this is:
I’ve seen this joke before.
If you don’t want to pay, communicate respectfully with the other person.
That’s all you have to say about yourself?
Starting out angry and bitter as a first impression is never a good idea.
“You Have exactly 2 weeks (14 days, 336 hours) to show me You a a potential Bae and not like The rest So Please Make it count! I’m Not interested in Flings, FWB or Textuationships So If You Not Serious Do Not I Repeat DO NOT HMU! Also Please don’t introduce me to a vibe you can’t maintain for more than a Week! Management”
*FWB = Friends With Benefits
*Bae = Before all else(?)
*HMU = Hit Me Up
Yikes.
“I’m a MAN.”
“Dating me is like...
Riding a rollercoaster, there will be ups and downs, twist and turns, but in the end it would have been the ride of your life :D”
Okay. So here’s the thing. Our society does not teach traditionally male-presenting children about feelings. Males usually don’t learn to identify their feelings or regulate their emotions. Boys are taught not to cry (because that’s girly), are criticized for talking about their emotions (like a woman), and see relationships modeled for them that do not involve emotional intelligence. This hurts men. This hurts women. I have so much more to say on this, but the above quote, to me, says this man does not have the ability to emotionally regulate himself and is unpredictable.
“I’m married but separating. We’re very amicable and working on our new relationship as we sort out living arrangements and raising our children.
Ultimately looking for monogamy, but may take some time to get there.”
At least he’s up front about not wanting a monogamous or committed relationship. Many guys don’t know what they want, and hurt women on their way to finding out.
“Something that’s non-negotiable for me is:
I am willing to put the work in to make a relationship work, we need to be real with ourselves, and spending a great deal of time traveling would not be beneficial for both individuals. Keep it under 110 miles.”
This clearly comes from a very specific past relationship this guy had. He’s clearly trying not to get hurt again. But this is supremely controlling and unhealthy.
“Tired of the games? Tired of lies? Adultery? Want faithful? Forever? Someone to fight fit the relationship? ME TOO! I give all of the above.
Look I don’t much left in life. I own my house, car, and have an income. I’m separated...It’s time for me to actually be happy and i deserve it. I want all of you or nothing. As you will have all of me. Be real. No I won’t support you. You wont take away from my kids. Add to my family or walk. Ask anything.”
He’s not ready to date again yet. And needs some serious therapy (we all do; I don’t intend that as an insult). And a lot of instruction on healthy relationships. I’ll walk.
“Hello, Marisa...you’re beautiful, first and foremost! In this particular photo you look like the white, beautiful, Caucasian woman version of me!”
Huh???
“I’m trash, tbh. I spend most days looking for food and deciding if I should even get up off my ass....Yet, on the rare occasion that I make it out of bed, I like to be anxious around everyone and scream if they get to close to me...”
This was the most epically confusing profile I’ve come across to date. He filled the entire thing out as if he were a raccoon, pictures and all. It was...clever? Almost? But then enough of the wording was strange to make it concerning. I hope he finds his perfect raccoon girl, but I’m not it. This was probably one of the times I threw my phone across the room in resignation.
Since I started writing this series, multiple women have sent me invites to different Facebook groups that despair over dating, and specifically, the men available through dating. These groups are ways for women to warn one another about men who are dangerous or toxic, help each other, and commiserate. The problems I listed above don’t just come up now and then. They’re not the exception, they’re the rule. I have a lot of thoughts to explore in future posts about why that is, but it comes down to systemic problems with our society and how it treats the traditional concepts of the genders “male” and “female.” (Obviously, gender and sex are much more complicated and much less binary than that, but I’m talking about how society treats gender).
Nevertheless, I continue to (foolishly?) hope that I’ll meet someone who won’t expect me to be their maid, mother, sex object, therapist, or emotional/physical punching bag. After this post, we’ll jump back into the summer of 2020 for the next disappointment.